We all know what it’s like being in a waiting position. We have all been trapped in that fake space called ‘the happiness waiting room’ where we tell ourselves all sorts of lies:
“When I lose weight, I’ll feel pretty”
“When I earn more money, I’ll be happy”
“When I get more time, I’ll start doing all the things I love”
“When I get a better job, I’ll gain more influence and call all the shots”
“When I get promoted, I’ll gain more respect and admiration”
“When I get a relationship, I’ll be more confident”
I think, we all know the answers to all of these: Nope! You won’t. Because none of these things, will influence the way you feel about yourself long-term. Weight can be re-gained, love can be lost, money can be spent, jobs can be cut etc. etc.
What we do when we put ourselves in “the happiness waiting room” is procrastinate. Not just because we fear change or what it might bring, but because we fear the process of change. What if I can’t lose weight? What if I’m not good enough to get that promotion? What if no one will ever love me and I’ll never get a relationship?
In other words, what if I fail?! What if I won't feel happy anyway even if I get what I want?
And this, in short, is what is holding us back. The fear of failure. The fear of not being good enough. The fear that our effort won't be enough to make us happy.
What we don’t consider in all of this is that if you do nothing, you have already failed. The only thing that will lead to no progress or positive change at all is doing nothing!
It is more than likely that you will feel much different from what you expected when you do reach your dream - because you have been on a journey. A journey that will change how you view yourself, your goals and your perspectives. This is called growth and progress.
Yet, we continue to put these false expectations on the things we would like. As if our beauty and self-image are somehow bound to our weight. As if earning the respect and admiration of others are somehow bound to our job title or position. As if being in a relationship and being loved by someone is somehow bound to our self-esteem and confidence.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight, seeking a promotion or wanting to find love etc. but do it because you want to. Not because you think it will bring you something you don’t possess at the moment. If you want to raise your confidence, then come up with a plan that works for you. Not what you think will work because you have read that only rich or thin people have confidence.
Ask yourself what value your dream will bring to your life and make that value your goal. Do you want to gain more confidence because you want to become a better public speaker, go out and meet more people, find your own purpose in life or something else? Then use that as your motivation for setting your goal: find your motivation in the joys the goal will bring you in life. It will make reaching your goal more fulfilling, long-term and also secure a positive long-term change you can build on in your other endeavours.
Here are some of the fundamental coaching questions, that can help you get started. When you work with a coach, you will dive much deeper into your personal motivation, wishes for the future and challenges than these questions. A coach can help you unlock skills and abilities you didn’t even knew you had to help you reach your goals. You don’t have to know exactly what you want to start coaching. Identifying and exploring your values, wishes and beliefs are all part of the coaching process.
1) Once you know what you want to achieve, remember to define why!
Why do you want to lose weight, to get promoted, to earn more money, to find a relationship etc. What drives you? Is it an expectation from others, from society or is it something you want for yourself to better your life? What does losing weight, getting rich, gaining more confident, being loved etc. mean to you? What do you mean exactly when you say you want this? What will the positive differences be for you?
2) What is holding you back? What has stopped you from doing more? What has stopped you from moving forward already?
When you identify your challenges and obstacles, they become so much easier to overcome. They are not always easy to face or come to terms with and a lot of people feel embarrassed about their own limiting beliefs or the reasons for why they procrastinate or hesitate. However, this is perfectly normal. We all do this. We are all fundamentally scared of change. If you want to move forward, identify what’s holding you back.
3) What help, support or resources do you need?
No one can do it alone. Identify who, what and where you can find the right help to get you moving. When you know your challenges and obstacles, it becomes vital to identify how you can get support and help to overcome them.
4) What have you done so far to get you closer to what you want?
Have you already started doing little things, that might open doors or help you a little closer to your goal? Build on these and start expanding them. Small steps will lead to bigger steps.
5) Remember that it is totally normal to have doubts when trying something new.
When we leave our comfort zone, we have doubts all the time. This is where coaching can really help you. A coach will not just support you and be your cheerleader. A coach can also help you identify and focus in on what your core values are, when you forget or can’t see them anymore yourself. We all know that life gets in the way constantly and it is so easy to forget what actually makes you happy or what actually matters to you, because it ‘drowns’ in our busy lives. When this happens, get some professional coaching and support from someone who can help you set up a plan that works for you.
6) Brainstorm your options.
This is where a coach can really help you out as well. There will always be ideas we haven’t thought about or options we have pushed aside, because they seemed too outrageous or unrealistic. In coaching, these ideas will help you form a framework for what is doable, realistic and manageable for you when moving forward.
7) Do some exercises on what you want your future to involve.
Even when you know what you want (to lose weight, get a new job, start a new career etc.), how do you want this change to look long-term? What will it mean to you and your life? How do you see it develop? Again, this is something coaching can help you with.
8) What motivates you to reach your goal?
Make your motivation as specific, measurable and personal as possible, and create a time-bound action plan for how you want to go forward. Most people have heard of the SMART criteria. It is used a lot in project management. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time bound. These are all good criteria to aim for when setting goals or making plans. However, if you want to keep and maintain your motivation for a specific goal or aim, you also have to make sure it is personal, positive, important, possible and meaningful for you. Focus on what positive change reaching this goal or aim will have for you in your life. This is where your motivation and inspiration for change will come from.
9) Stop waiting till you ‘feel like it’!
Remember, you won’t ever feel like starting a new journey towards something you feel insecure about. When something requires an effort (which all positive changes, successes and achievements in life do) we hesitate. We procrastinate. We just don’t feel like it. If we constantly wait until we feel like doing something, nothing ever gets done! This is the trap that a lot of people find themselves in for most of their lives. And suddenly life has gone, and you did nothing! You just stayed in that hamster wheel waiting for change, love, that perfect job, that promotion, the career change, the weight loss, the self-confidence etc. to come and find you. This is not just what we have been told to do but also where we feel the safest. Because there are no risks involved. You just do the same day in and day out feeling very unsatisfied in the process. If you really want positive long-term changes for yourself, you have to stop waiting and start making it happen. Take one small step at the time and it will!
10) Don’t be ashamed of feeling afraid or reluctant about change.
This is human nature. We all feel reluctant towards any kind of change. This is exactly why it is so hard to implement. If it was easy, we would all do it more. We crave safety and security. This is normal. The trick is to find the elements of your safety net that you can keep, while still moving forward and while still developing other parts of yourself and your life.
The most important thing is to implement positive change in your own pace and in your own way. Don’t try and copy others or do exactly what they have done. It won’t work for you. Identify your own way. This is what a coach helps you find out. Your own way, your own pace and your own development for positive change in life. A coach will not give you the answers or tell you what to do. A coach fully believes that you hold all the answers to your own life. They can help you find them and support you in making the best use of them.
What’s the purpose of all this then? Why go through all this, if it is so much of an effort? Well, if you want new things to happen in your life, to take advantage of all your wonderful skills and experiences and to build resilience and overcome challenges, then you have to start creating your own personal unique roadmap of the future, as you want it to be. Time will pass no matter what we do so if we want to make the best of life, we have to stop waiting for change to just happen and start taking control of how we want our future to look.
Stop waiting for your life to be 'perfect' before you start living it.
Embrace your growth and start designing your own future!
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